Forever searching

The world still turns round

2010-09-09T14:07:00.000-07:00

Well, it has deffinetly been a long time since I have put up a post. My summer just went further and further downhill. Things got really bad.... and I just couldn't handle it. I called Dr. Smith practically every day the entire summer and it took him a month and a half to have his secretary call me and tell me that he didn't think that there was anything he could do for me. It is deffinetly safe to say that I was devestated. Anyway I called my old doctor and told him what was going on. He agreed to see me. He sent me back to Ulga and she helped me out soooo much. Now I am just feeling really good as of last week. I am soooooooo EXCITED.

Now... since I feel good, it is time to lose weight. I don't just mean a couple of pounds either... I mean over 50 pounds. So I am going to start another blog that keeps track of my weight loss experience. Anyway I am really glad to be back to school. It is really nice to have stuff to do again.

Forever Searching,
Zenaithful Girl

Don't stop trying

2010-07-15T14:54:00.000-07:00

I don't understand how this is even happening. I am so scared for the future. Dr. Smith was supposed to call me a week and two days ago, I have still not heard from him. Today I talked to one of the receptionists who had talked to him about me. She said that he was still reviewing my case and trying to decide the next case. He talked to Dr. Motzomoto on Tuesday about botox, and I think that if they were going to do botox they would have already made the appointments. I think that there is a very strong possibility that he will call and say that there is nothing he can do. I cant live this life. I cant be this girl... this woman. I want so much more from this life. I feel so limited, so stuck in this pain, stuck in this body, stuck in hell. How does anyone live like this, how can this be me? I am 19 and my life is that of a decrepit 80 year old. I want so much more...

Forever Searching,
Zenaithful Girl

Why am I thinking about the future when today is so uncertain?

2010-07-08T07:51:00.000-07:00

So I was looking back on the last couple postings and I noticed something... I'm not facing reality. The truth is the doctor told me that the prognosis for my dystonia didn't look very good, and I should start to prepare myself for what is to come. I am doing the opposite. I just don't want to give up hope. There has to be more to this life, and more to me than just dystonia, but am I just wearing rose colored glasses? Should I start to be down to earth, and realistic about this whole thing?

Forever searching,
Zenaithful Girl

Ideas for my future...

2010-07-06T13:56:00.000-07:00

Well, today has been a very slow day at work. I have just been standing around thinking about my future. I have been looking at internships, future job ideas, future places I'd like to live, medschools, and the thinking about the things I should do that will help me accomplish thus things. I can't really do anything right now except for work and work on the dystonia. There are some things I can prepare to do though, first and foremost I need to go to the career center and have them help me with my resume and the application process for an internship for next summer.

I am very excited tonight to be going to see a movie with Allison S. We are going to see twilight and I can't wait to spend some time with her! I really don't feel good at all (cause of dystonia), but I can't let that stop me tonight or I might go insane. I am so fed up with always doing nothing because it stops me, so I am going to go and have fun... period!

Forever Searching,
Zenaithful Girl

Going to forget the pain... by studying???

2010-07-05T06:17:00.000-07:00

So the dystonia sucks right now. I am VERY limited to the activities I can do. For instance, I have a hard time going for a walk in my neighborhood, I have no movement of my right arm (except the hand and forarm), and it is just best if I am propped halfway lying down. The pool is nice because the water feels extremely good on my body. Lets just say that it is an extremely hard time for me. I am in limbo between a treatment that didn't work at all, and a new treatment. I am waiting to hear from my doctor, so he can tell me to come up and get botox injections.

Anyway, I am desperatly trying to find ways to occupy my mind away from the pain. This is difficult because I am so limited in my activities. I have found a couple though, reading novels, swimming, and studying. Now I know studying isn't considered fun but I can, if I am studying something I am really interested in, take my mind off the pain.

I will keep you updated on the way the dystonia is, and my mental status :) for a while because blogging is always nice when I don't feel well.

Forever searching,
Zenaithful Girl

Friends...

2010-06-26T08:20:00.000-07:00

I went to toy story three last night with a bunch of highschool friends. I felt really out of place with all of them but one. I guess I shouldn't have expected more because by the end of highschool year they weren't really my friends, not close ones atleast. Atleast I had Allison S. there... she is a true friend to me. She is not really like me at all, but I love her. She was always and probably will always be there for me. I miss her sooooo much. I am going to try to reconect with her this summer. My college friends are great and I love them. I really wish that they were here this summer... I miss them. But if I make an effort I think that having Allison will be great.

My dad has really been trying lately. He calls me all the time to make sure that I am okay. I am really hoping that me opening up to him about dystonia and what I am going through will help our relationship. I am also facebook talking with Pete right now, which is ackward but good. I hope that we can reconnect too. My mom and I are still kind of tense. I just feel like she is so far away from me, even though she is right here. She doesn't want to hear about me, I mean really hear. So I am having to find other people to rely on, maby that is a good thing, but it is hard for me to feel like I am losing her.

Otherwise I am just waiting to go to mayo. I leave on tuesday morning and will be spending the rest of the week up there, and then probably going back the week after that. I cant wait to go, the dystonia has not been good, and I am ready to try something new to help it.

Forever Searching,
Zenaithful Girl

2010-06-22T08:50:00.000-07:00

Wow... it has been such a long time since I wrote last. A lot has happened, so this first part is probably going to seem like a news report more than a blog.

First off, my dad is in Pennsylvania now. It feels like he has been gone longer than he has. He loves his job, and he loves Pennsylvania. I am glad that he is happy. It has been such a long time since he has had a job he really likes, and work means a lot to him. Pete moved home. He broke down, he was doing drugs, and drinking all of the time to the point where he couldn't remember what happened the night before. He is also struggling with depression. Anyway, he is supposed to be moving back to his house tomorrow. My mom is going to help him with rent, give him food for a month, and give him my bike so he can get around. Luke is officially going to Rocky Mountain College. Him and my mom leave for Montana early August. They are going up almost a week before Luke actually has to be to school so that they can go to Yellowstone. My dad will fly up there and meet them. I will be staying home for reasons I will discus later. My mom is a wreck. She has been really wrapped up with Pete being home, and dad being gone. She is constantly arguing with someone. Her only escape is bike riding, she is training for ragbri, and it going for a lot of long bike rides.

How have I been? Well, I'm hanging on to my sanity as best I can. Dystonia sucks! I wake up every day already in pain. I never want to get out of bed. I am working full time at the library. This is hard because I am sitting at a desk all day and all I really want to do is lie down and pass out. Being in pain all day is torturous, let alone work at a desk in the quite and have nothing else to think about except the pain, that is hell. I go back up to Mayo next week. I will be spending most of next week and the week after trying a new therapy. Honestly, I don't know what I am going to do if it doesn't improve. I am just to tired to keep fighting... Anyway, I am not going to Yellowstone, or to drop Luke off at college simply because the dystonia is to bad. I know that I wouldn't be able to make the car ride, let alone do anything once there. The hardest part about right now is I feel like I have no one to talk to. I have always talked to my mom, I have always shared the burden of dystonia with her, but right now their is no way she could take it. Every time I even try to talk about the pain, she changes the subject to Pete or Ragbri. I know that it isn't her fault, and I shouldn't be upset, but I am. I just want her to understand, but I know that she cant. She cant know that I fight with myself every morning to get out of bed, and when I do I am so stiff that it takes me a couple of tries just to get up. She can't know that every minute of work means that I have to struggle not to cry. She doesn't know that I am really contemplating letting the pain take over. I fight so hard against pain, and I am just to tired to keep fighting. I am at the end of my rope, but do I really have any choice what I do. I mean, its not like I can stop going to work, then I can't afford to do anything. Its not like I can drop out of school, because then I would have nothing. Its not like I can let myself go for just one day, because I know that I couldn't pick myself back up. So what choice do I have? If I chose to give up what happens to me then? I have no choice but to push through. I think if there was a reasonable out I would take it. I think that if there was some easy way for me just to get rid of all of my problems I would do it. But nothing is simple and nothing is fair... that's life. So I am running on no gas, I am pushing the last very little bit of me that's left to the end... God help me.

Acceptance into the cadaver lab

2010-03-28T16:58:00.000-07:00

I WAS ACCEPTED INTO THE CADAVER LAB!!!!! I am SOOOOOO happy! This experience is going to be amazing! I am so proud of myself. I am just sooooo excited. I only have one concern, all the people I have talked to who went though the cadaver lab say that you lose seeing the cadavers as people, and you start to see them as more of a piece of meat to cut up and look at. I really want to have respect for them. Human life is precious, and I don't want to forget that these people had lives and they deserve respect. They lived a long life, and they deserve to be handled with respect. I really want to make sure that I keep that in mind. I am still sooooo EXCITED!

Forever searching,
Zenaithful girl

Spring Resolution

2010-03-25T04:47:00.000-07:00

It has been a long week. I have not felt well at all, and I have a test today that is going to suck. I have decided to make a spring time resolution. I know that resolutions are for new years but what the heck, I want to do one now. My resolution is that I am going to spend 5-8 hours a day studying. I really should be studying 8 hours a day, but that is really hard to set aside every day. So I will do atleast five. Now, its not like I don't study, and its not like I dont study a lot. But this study time must go without distractions. My door gets closed and I study... period. I really want to pull my grades up the rest of this semester, so this is how I will do it. Wish me luck.

Forever Searching,
Zenaithful Girl

Lots of stuff to do

2010-03-18T09:12:00.000-07:00

I am swamped, I have sooooo much I need to get done. Today is for catching up on homework. I DONT WANT TO DO ANYTHING!!!! I just want to do whatever I want to do... screw homework! Ugh... got to go do some homework :)
Forever searching,
Zenaithful Girl

My "spring break"

2010-03-17T20:09:00.000-07:00

This post is about my spring break. I feel like I am missing so much. I was supposed to be in kentucky right now, I was supposed to be helping people and having the time of my life. But what am I doing, I am sitting at home being depressed. Today I hate dystonia, I want to scream at it, or punch it in the face. It is just too bad that dystonia doesn't have a body, I am not a very violent person, but holy crap I would beat the shit out of it. There is

So my dad did get the job in pennsylvania, he leaves a week from saturday. I am sad to see him go, but also glad that he got a job. I think good things will come of this. I havent told my parents this, because I know that they would catch on that I am doing this so my mom isn't alone, but I am going to live at home next year. I really am not upset by it. There is just no way I could enjoy myself in the dorms knowing that she is home and taking care of the house all by herself. I plan on just living at home for one year, but who knows what will happen. It doesn't really matter. Besides I think that living at home is healthier for me.

On that note, I am going back up to mayo. I have an appointment on April 23rd. I am kind of excited about it, I am seeing this new doctor and he is supposed to be amazing. Anyway, I think that there are really only three things that could really happen at the appointment at this point; he could say that there is nothing he can do for me; he could say he wants me to do therapy; or he could say he wants me to have surgery and then therapy. I am really nervous. If he says there is nothing more he can do for me, that is it, I'm done, this is the way it is, no more doctors, no more recovery. At the same time, therapy is a pain in the butt, and it kills me, and surgery at this point would suck. But I have to say, out of all three options I just hope he doesn't send me away with nothing. I want so much, I have such big plans, and I don't want dystonia to stop me. It can't stop me... I'm sabrina duley, I can get through anything. God... he can't send me away with nothing. I don't know what I am going to do if that happens. I know that that sounds unbelievably selfish, but it is really how I feel.

Now on to more news. Pete officially worries me. He is an alcoholic, he is depressed, he just dropped out of school, he has no job. This all equals trouble. I worry about him a lot.

Luke is good. He just got accepted with a full ride into Rockey Mountain College in montana. I am excited for him, and at the same time I think that billings montana is a VERY long way from home. This would mean that my dad will be in pennsylvania, luke will be in montana, pete will be in debuque (questionable), and mom and I will be in davenport IA. WOW... that is crazy. I cant think about it anymore... I am going to bed.

Forever searching,
Zenaithful girl

Three more days!

2010-03-10T05:19:00.000-08:00

Hi,
I am so excited! There are only three more days until spring break. I was supposed to go to kentucky on a service trip, but can't do that anymore. So... I am just going to spend my spring break getting a head in school work, roller blading, walking, and whatever else I come upon.

So the whole weight thing... this time its for real. I lost some weight before my dystonia came back, and have now managed to put every pound of it back on. This is the last thing I wanted... backward progress. I am going to buy new rollerblades on saturday and I really really hope that they will motivate me to start working out and eating healthy again.

I went home yesterday, I have been getting in the habit of going home every tuesday and eating diner with my family, doing laundry, and wathing biggest loser. This has been really nice, it is good that I don't go home on the weekends, but I still want some home time. So going home on tuesday nights has really been a great thing for me latelly, I think that I will continue to carry on this tradition. :)

Forever searching,
Zenaithful Girl

Hola

2010-03-07T08:07:00.000-08:00

Hola,

I haven't written in forever! Things have been good, really good. Friends are great, family is good, and school is okay. I mean school is going good but i am going to have to change my plans for my future. There is no way I can physically become a physical therapist. I really don't think I will have the GPA to get into medical school right away. So... I think what I want to do is join the peace corps right after college, and spend two and a half years doing that. Then I want to try to get into medical school. I know that i will have to do good on the MCATs, but I think that I can do it. I need to pull my GPA up but its not horrible or anything. It is a 3.5, if I can keep it at a 3.5 I would have a decent shot if I did peace corps and then scored good on the MCATs. I don't know... enough about that.

I love college, I really do. I have lots of friends, but I am really close with two of them, and even then I am closest with anita I think. She is the best! :) I also am pretty close with megan. It has been much better this semester than last. Not that last semester wasn't good, but I am just very content this semester. My classes are really hard, but thats good I guess.

Today is a movie and study day. First I am going to church with anita, my mom, and luke. Then breakfast, and then action movies and homework. It has been really nice out the last couple of days, but today it is rainy. I am so ready for summer. I don't really like spring, it is just too wet and yucky. But summer is wonderfull.

Spring break is next week. I was supposed to go on a service trip, but that fell through because of my dystonia. I reall hope I can go next year. I REALLY wanted to go... oh well, it will be okay. I think I am going to buy some rollerblades of spring break, and so are anita and megan, and we are all going to bring them back to school. It should be super funny to see us all fall on our buts the first couple of times :)

Well thats all the time I have for an update. Church is in 20 min. Hopefully I write more often, it is really calming to me.

Forever Searching,
Zenaithful Girl

Christmas

2009-12-21T06:32:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas!!! I love this time of year, why can't everyone be happy like this all of the time? It is soooooo nice to have people be pleasent and polite. I can't wait for christmas day, it is going to be awsome!

Forever Searching,
Zenaithfull Girl

What happened to her????

2009-12-14T19:20:00.000-08:00

I don't know if I am in the wrong on this... but I really don't think so. So I was talking with this girl down the hall about weight loss, she has lost like 40 pounds, and we said a little bit about my friend. It was everything good, like how she has all of this amazing food in her room like stake and other stuff. Then about how tiny her frame is, and about how awsome it is that she can eat everything she wants. Anyway the girl who lost 40 pounds went downstairs to exercise and my friend came and told me that she was going to breakfast by herself tomorrow. I was like, oh okay, hows the studying going? and she said that she was upset and frustrated that we were talking about her in the hall. I explained what we were talking about and she was still mad. I just don't get it... does she have anything to be mad about? I understand that if we were talking bad about her she has a right to be mad. We said all good things... seriously... she has a problem. I mean, I'm her friend, I wouldn't bad mouth her. There was nothing to badmouth her about. I think that the stress of finals is getting to her. If it isn't the stress of finals than she is officially insecure about herself... I don't really know what to think... This is just really making me think...

Forever searching,
Zenaithful Girl

Finals week stress... or not

2009-12-13T18:55:00.001-08:00

Everyone is completely stressed out about finals, but I am not. THANK THE LORD!!! I feel confident and ready... this is a good week! :)

Forever Searching,
Zenaithful Girl

I WANT A SNOW DAY!!!

2009-12-09T04:52:00.001-08:00

Uh.... every other college around us have closed, the weather is awful, so why are we not closed? Seriously who decides these things becuase this is just rediculus.

Even more to think about

2009-12-02T20:23:00.000-08:00

So, now things have gotten even more stressful. My dad, who has been unemployed since july, found a job. This is great... but the job is in Pensylvania, and we live in Iowa. I think he will probably take it. This is hard... really hard... My mom will have to stay here because with her working at a university we get to go to college practically free. With my dad most likelly going to pensylvania, and my older brother in debuque, and my younger brother will leave for college in the fall, and he is planning on going to school in montata, and me at school too. This would leave my mom all alone in the house, we thought she was going to have a hard enough time just having all of us kids off at school, this is just unbearable. I know what I need to do, I will move back home next year and commute to school. I know that me moving home is the right thing to do, my mom would never ask me to move home... but she shouldn't have to. I know that I wouldn't feel right living on campus and leaving her in the house all alone, I just couldn't do that. So that is that, if my dad goes to pensylvania I am going to move home. I will spend the rest of the year on campus because my brother will be home to help my mom out, but then its on me.

This is going to sound really selfish but part of me wants to live on campus anyways. Dont get me wrong 100% of me says it is the right thing to do, but there is a little piece of me that says "this is your time to be yourself and not worry and have fun. It is college after all" but that part is just a tiny wisper bairly heard above the rest of me that is shouting in a microphone in my ear to go home.

It is still college after all, and I can still have fun... I will still have fun. This year is for makeing friends and getting to know people, once I have that foundation put down it will be easier to have a social life and live off campus. It's going to be easy to live at home and still have a great college experience, I will just have to put a little more effort into my social life.

I asked kayleen, my best friend at ambrose, if she would still be my friend if I lived off campus. She... of course said yes. I believe her too. And most of my other friends I think would still be friends with me too.

Besides living at home will have its upsides, free place to stay, free food, get to hang out with mom, get to have my friends over to the house, it will be great.

So why is there still that little wisper in my head trying to convince me to stay on campus?

Forever searching,
Zenaithful Girl

2009-11-25T12:50:00.000-08:00

There is so much, so much going on in my head right now. I don't even really know where to begin. I think the best place to begin is with my weight, I weighed in a week ago at 166, YIKES! I felt crushed about that, I still do. I have been eating okay, and I was working on my physical therapy very hard. This was really dissapointing, I just want to be pretty. I know that sounds stupid, but isn't that what every woman wants, to be beautifull. I want someone to kiss me and tell me I'm beautiful. I want to feel pretty, and I know that that isn't going to happen when I am 166 pounds.

Second, the other day I went up to aimes with mom, dad, and elizabeth. We were going to here luke at allstate. The concert was wonderfull. Luke is so tallented, he was 7th chair, and he looked like a million bucks on stage. I was really... proud to be his sister. When we were going home, my shoulder gave out. I don't even mean I had a sore back, or just having my shoulder start to come out of socket. I mean that it was unbearable, I thought at any moment on the ride home that I was going to have to have my dad pull over so that I could throw up because of the pain. On top of all of the pain I was tired, I was sick of hearing my brother make out in the back seat, I was frustrated beond belief with my weight. I just wanted to be numb, from everything, not just the pain, but everything.

Third, I had a really upseting conversation with my mom the day after allstate. I was upset still the day after allstate, I was in pain too, a lot of pain. So my mom came into my room to try to cheer me up. It was an epic fail to say the least, not that I would tell her. I love my mom, more than anything, but it was hard to sit there and talk to her. She is a size 4, I am a size 14. This is hard, but it doesn't usually upset me. Its just that she didn't get it that I am really just fed up. She told me she thinks that I should go talk to steve, my shrink, but this wasn't even the worst of it. She was really just trying to help, but everything she said made me more upset. She says that she loves me no matter what size I am, this hurts because it just seems like she is saying that she will love me no matter what size I am, but other people wont. I know that I was being way to sensitive, but I just couldn't help it. It just hurt.

Third, I am trying to change, trying to lose weight that is. I also am trying to change in the fact that I need to stop laying everything on my mom. Firstly I need to change what I think about myself. The only way that I feel this is going is to lose weight. I weigh 162 now, so four pounds down 42 to go. I ordered a bodybugg to, and it cost me 200 dollars, so hopefully it helps. I just know that it is really time to change me, from the inside out.

I also need to change how I talk. I am harsh, and I say too many cuss words for my own good. I think I need to hold my toungue and say sweet things again like I used to.

Forever Searching,
Zenaithfull Girl

God please bless this broken road

2009-11-14T21:14:00.000-08:00

There is something strange about today. Everything feels abnormally out of reach, that is that all I can do is look at the past. I hope you have heard of the song by rascal flatts called "I'm moving on" I hope that is what is in store for me. I have really been stuck in the past for to long. I realize that the past has made me who I am today, and I wouldn't change that. I mean of course I have regrets, I am a strong believer that if you don't have any regrets than you didn't take enough risks in your life. But all in all, I am okay with who I am. I am just ready to move on with my life. I need to change, from the inside to the outside. I believe that the key to changing is all in "hanging up the past, and painting a new future" I just am so ready to move forward and make myself a better person. More than anything it is going to take God to bless the broken road that I am traveling on.

Forever Searching,
Zenaithful Girl

Selfish... Not Selfish????

2009-11-08T19:08:00.000-08:00

I don't have to much new. I am just going along, in my own little world. I feel like that is a good thing and a bad thing. Its good because right now I am training to become who I want to be, and that person should be aware of the world, and helpfull. But it is also bad, I get really selfish. I mean it isn't as if I am rude or anything but I catch myself feeling sorry for myself, and really is there anything I should feel bad about. There are so many people in this world who would give anything to have what I have. Now that sounds pompus... but its not. I do have a lot... and I'm not sure that I am the best person to have all of these nice things, but I am gratefull to be able to do the things I do, and to have what I do. So I guess its about balance, realizing that there is more than just you in this world, and working on yourself too. This is a hard balance for me... I need to work on it. :)

Forever searching,
Zenaithful Girl

Breath in, Breath out...

2009-11-05T12:47:00.000-08:00

Breath in breath out... tell me all of your doubts. breath in and breath out... its okay. I'm here for you from now till forever. Don't let youself be lost without me, take me with you, cause I don't want to live without you. Don't save you best, just give everything your all, and I will be there to catch you when you fall.

Forever searching,
Zenaithful Girl

Study hard or go home!

2009-10-27T14:13:00.000-07:00

What a day, and it isn't anywhere near over. I have been so swamped with school work, and I am only a freshman. I realize that for the next 8 or so years I will be doing homework, it will be my life. Don't get me wrong, I love school, I love biology, I love studying. Today is just one of those days where I feel like going back to the dorm room, lyeing in bed, and watching tv or reading a book. But instead I am here, at the university library doing what I always do, study.

My mom thinks that I am going to burn out on school. I know that many people do, and I really don't want to, I mean it really would be a shame to not complete a doctorate just because you burned out, not because you didn't have the ability to finish the program. I am just looking forward to the weekend... it's only tuesday. Maybe tomorrow will be better, I am planning on getting to bed at a decient hour tonight.

So I talked to my brother today, he is having a rather hard time right now. I feel really bad for him. He has senioritise, and to make things worse his "friends" are being jerks. I mean they are really being cruel to him. I also feel bad for him because my dad is always down his throat. Every time I am home all I ever hear is my dad yelling at him to do something or another. I know how he feels, and I feel bad that he is in this situation.

Forever Searching,
Zenaithful Girl

Nothing extremely new... just stuff.

2009-10-26T06:13:00.000-07:00

Not much new going on in my life right now. I am just getting back into the swing of things since flordia. I havent been going to all of my activities that I am involved in, so this week I am for sure going to go to all of them. One of the things I really love at college is the wonderful activities you can be involved in. It is so wonderful to go and do things that otherwise would be out of reach.

There was a death of one of the faculty members on campus last week. He was an amazing man, only 62, and he died unexpectedly. There are a lot of people on campus who are extremely upset, and I feel so bad for them, and more so for his family. Anyways, I was in the car on sunday with my mom and she turned of the music and had a talk with me. She said that with this guy dieing she had been thinking about if she died. She told me where she wanted her funeral, and that she knew that I would have the hardest time getting over her death. She said that dad would move on, luke, and pete would move on, but she thought that I would be the one who couldn't move pass her death. I knew that she was right. So she wanted to tell me that if she were to die I should move on with my life. It has just been making me think about if she were to die, I don't know if I could handel that, if I could jump over that hurtle. My mom is my best friend, the person I tell all, the person I can't imagine living without. I know that explaining our relationship like that makes it sound like she is my husband, but our situation is different, I don't know of any other mother daughter duo's who are as close as me and my mom. So it just makes me think that she cant die, not now, and not for a long time.

Forever Searching,
Zenaithful Girl

Im still fighting.... so bring it on.

2009-10-23T09:13:00.000-07:00

Thats right, I am not backing down. Not from this life, not from trying to become who I want to be. I will fight and fight untill there is nothing left, and I will still stand up and fight again. I don't care who tells me no, who says that I can not do what I want, screw them! I am only human, I will make mistakes, but that doesn't mean that what I want isn't withing reach, all I have to do is jump. I will not let my thoughts change to "thats just the way the cookie crumbles". Sure life sucks sometimes, but just because I might have to fight ten times harder for something than the guy next to me doesn't mean I wont get it. So this is what I have to say to the people who tell me that I can't do what I want, that I'm just not strong enough.... "BRING IT ON!"

Forever Searching,
Zenaithful Girl

Pain...Long Nights... and self knowing

2009-10-20T19:47:00.000-07:00

Today has not been one of my better days. Dystonia is affecting my right arm and my back. I think my body wants me to feel weak, it wants to feel in charge. I know that I have to fight it. I may be locked in this body, it isn't possible for me to trade it in like I would like to do sometimes. I have this vision in my mind like I were at just a regular grocery store, I walk up to the customer service desk and say, "Excuse me, this body isn't working right. Is there anyway that I can exchange it for a different one." They always say yes of course, and for the trouble of me having to bring it back, they make the next one have one size bigger boobs, a thinner waist, and faster growing hair.

Life doesn't work like that though, you get what you are delt, and you either deal with it gracefully, or you let youself sit in the shit a little longer than necessary.

Today is one of those days where I am trying my best not to sit in the pile of shit any longer than I have to. Thank you but I want to move on. My dystonia might controll a portion of my life, it might even controll a big portion of it. But there is still always a part of it that is me, and I don't want to use dystonia as my crutch for "just getting by"

Forever Searching,
Zenaithful Girl

My Major...

2009-10-14T08:18:00.000-07:00

I have finally decided on a major, well two majors. I am going to double major in Biology and Excercise Science. This is major, I mean not many people take on two majors, let alone biology and excercise science, but it is what I want and I am so excited. I am just so happy right now. I am also pumped because I am going to disney world tomorrow for five days, it is going to be so much fun. :)

Forever Searching,
Zenaithful Girl

School, why am I here again?

2009-10-12T08:56:00.000-07:00

One of the things that seems to amaze me every day here at saint ambrose is the fact that I am really in the downhill slide of my education. I am starting to learn things that I will actually use in the real world. I am just so excited to be here, it is my time to flurish, my time to focus on me. I know that that sounds selfish, but I feel that I really need this right now, so that I can know what to do when I become someone who helps other people.

Forever searching,
Zenaithful Girl

Last day of the musical

2009-10-11T12:02:00.000-07:00

It is the last day of the play! :) I am so happy to be done, it has been a long time since I have had a chance to have the chance to breath. Got to go do the play. Yehaaa...lol

Forever Searching,
Zenaithful Girl

Life is Good...

2009-10-09T14:10:00.000-07:00

I've never been so busy. My life is awsome! I am in a musical at my school, we have our first performance tonight. I've been too busy with the musical to have time to write. Today I was just thinking about how lucky I am. I have come so far in a year. I never imagined that I would be able to come to college, let alone do all of the things I a doing. I just want to soak up every day, every minute is a blessing, every experience a mirical. I know that I owe it to everyone who helped me through dystonia, and to myself to do everything 100% of the way. There is nothig holding me back any more, and I love it.

Forever Searching,
Zenaithful Girl

Sleep

2009-09-29T15:03:00.000-07:00

I am so tired. I have been excercising like crazy the last two days. I am also now in the musical at the college, I got roped into it by the band director. No... I am not an actor, I play the violin, so I am in the what our director would like to call a pit. One of the most important things for me to do, to stay healthy, is to get enough sleep. So hopefully right after play practice I can come back to the dorm and sleep.

Forever searching,
Zenaithful Girl

My time for healing

2009-09-27T19:50:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time that I have been hurt. Whether physically or mentally I have found myself struggling to be healthy and happy with my body. Now that I am truly going to live, I need to heal. I need to heal that little girl who looks in the mirror and sees a growing double chin, and evergrowing hips. Its not like I am obese, just overweight. I am 5'6 and weigh 162 pounds. My goal is to be 130 pounds. That is one of my major steps in searching for zenaith. I am starting right now, and I am going to do this.I would like to have lost the weight by January 1, now that doesn't mean that I want to kill myself in the process, I want to do ths while enjoying myself, that is what this whole jouney is about, learning to love my self and this life, to make the best of this life, so I am starting with me.

Forever searching,
Zenaithful girl

The Good Summaritan Lesson

2009-09-23T09:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I attended a bible study session, and we were going over the good summaritan parable. I can't speak for other people, but I know that I am tired of the good summaritan story. I think that there are so many good stories in the bible, and it seems that the only one people know are the good summaritan, and the lost son. But something happened last night that changed my mind, I thought just about how Jesus is the ultimate good summaritan, and we all are the poor, half naked, half dead man on the side of the road. Not only did Jesus sacrifice his, 'wine and oil' on us, but Jesus gave everything. It just goes to show you that no matter how many times you hear a parable, or how many times you study it, there is always something new to learn from it.

Forever searching,
Zenaithful Girl

PS: The Good Samaritan is Luke Chapter 10:25-:37

Welcome to the world

2009-09-23T07:26:00.000-07:00

Hello,
I feel like I should explain why I am starting this blog. I am a freshman in college, its been five weeks now since I left my old life behind to grow up and start living my life. My whole life has lead up to this time, highschool and before seems to be just a memory, just a spot on a wall. I don't want to stand back anymore and let my life run itself. I want to make every day purposeful, I want make something of myself. This blog is how I am going to remember these days, and maybe just maybe somebody else will read this and want to take control of their life to. So I'll leave you with a quote, something that hopefully makes you think for maybe enven a moment, "Men are children, the world is a sand box, are you sharing your toys?"

Forever searching,
Zenaithful Girl