Wow... it has been such a long time since I wrote last. A lot has happened, so this first part is probably going to seem like a news report more than a blog.

First off, my dad is in Pennsylvania now. It feels like he has been gone longer than he has. He loves his job, and he loves Pennsylvania. I am glad that he is happy. It has been such a long time since he has had a job he really likes, and work means a lot to him. Pete moved home. He broke down, he was doing drugs, and drinking all of the time to the point where he couldn't remember what happened the night before. He is also struggling with depression. Anyway, he is supposed to be moving back to his house tomorrow. My mom is going to help him with rent, give him food for a month, and give him my bike so he can get around. Luke is officially going to Rocky Mountain College. Him and my mom leave for Montana early August. They are going up almost a week before Luke actually has to be to school so that they can go to Yellowstone. My dad will fly up there and meet them. I will be staying home for reasons I will discus later. My mom is a wreck. She has been really wrapped up with Pete being home, and dad being gone. She is constantly arguing with someone. Her only escape is bike riding, she is training for ragbri, and it going for a lot of long bike rides.

How have I been? Well, I'm hanging on to my sanity as best I can. Dystonia sucks! I wake up every day already in pain. I never want to get out of bed. I am working full time at the library. This is hard because I am sitting at a desk all day and all I really want to do is lie down and pass out. Being in pain all day is torturous, let alone work at a desk in the quite and have nothing else to think about except the pain, that is hell. I go back up to Mayo next week. I will be spending most of next week and the week after trying a new therapy. Honestly, I don't know what I am going to do if it doesn't improve. I am just to tired to keep fighting... Anyway, I am not going to Yellowstone, or to drop Luke off at college simply because the dystonia is to bad. I know that I wouldn't be able to make the car ride, let alone do anything once there. The hardest part about right now is I feel like I have no one to talk to. I have always talked to my mom, I have always shared the burden of dystonia with her, but right now their is no way she could take it. Every time I even try to talk about the pain, she changes the subject to Pete or Ragbri. I know that it isn't her fault, and I shouldn't be upset, but I am. I just want her to understand, but I know that she cant. She cant know that I fight with myself every morning to get out of bed, and when I do I am so stiff that it takes me a couple of tries just to get up. She can't know that every minute of work means that I have to struggle not to cry. She doesn't know that I am really contemplating letting the pain take over. I fight so hard against pain, and I am just to tired to keep fighting. I am at the end of my rope, but do I really have any choice what I do. I mean, its not like I can stop going to work, then I can't afford to do anything. Its not like I can drop out of school, because then I would have nothing. Its not like I can let myself go for just one day, because I know that I couldn't pick myself back up. So what choice do I have? If I chose to give up what happens to me then? I have no choice but to push through. I think if there was a reasonable out I would take it. I think that if there was some easy way for me just to get rid of all of my problems I would do it. But nothing is simple and nothing is fair... that's life. So I am running on no gas, I am pushing the last very little bit of me that's left to the end... God help me.