The world still turns round

Well, it has deffinetly been a long time since I have put up a post. My summer just went further and further downhill. Things got really bad.... and I just couldn't handle it. I called Dr. Smith practically every day the entire summer and it took him a month and a half to have his secretary call me and tell me that he didn't think that there was anything he could do for me. It is deffinetly safe to say that I was devestated. Anyway I called my old doctor and told him what was going on. He agreed to see me. He sent me back to Ulga and she helped me out soooo much. Now I am just feeling really good as of last week. I am soooooooo EXCITED.

Now... since I feel good, it is time to lose weight. I don't just mean a couple of pounds either... I mean over 50 pounds. So I am going to start another blog that keeps track of my weight loss experience. Anyway I am really glad to be back to school. It is really nice to have stuff to do again.

Forever Searching,
Zenaithful Girl

Don't stop trying

I don't understand how this is even happening. I am so scared for the future. Dr. Smith was supposed to call me a week and two days ago, I have still not heard from him. Today I talked to one of the receptionists who had talked to him about me. She said that he was still reviewing my case and trying to decide the next case. He talked to Dr. Motzomoto on Tuesday about botox, and I think that if they were going to do botox they would have already made the appointments. I think that there is a very strong possibility that he will call and say that there is nothing he can do. I cant live this life. I cant be this girl... this woman. I want so much more from this life. I feel so limited, so stuck in this pain, stuck in this body, stuck in hell. How does anyone live like this, how can this be me? I am 19 and  my life is that of a decrepit 80 year old. I want so much more...

Forever Searching,
Zenaithful Girl

Why am I thinking about the future when today is so uncertain?

So I was looking back on the last couple postings and I noticed something... I'm not facing reality. The truth is the doctor told me that the prognosis for my dystonia didn't look very good, and I should start to prepare myself for what is to come. I am doing the opposite. I just don't want to give up hope. There has to be more to this life, and more to me than just dystonia, but am I just wearing rose colored glasses? Should I start to be down to earth, and realistic about this whole thing?

Forever searching,
Zenaithful Girl

Ideas for my future...

Well, today has been a very slow day at work. I have just been standing around thinking about my future. I have been looking at internships, future job ideas, future places I'd like to live, medschools, and the thinking about the things I should do that will help me accomplish thus things. I can't really do anything right now except for work and work on the dystonia. There are some things I can prepare to do though, first and foremost I need to go to the career center and have them help me with my resume and the application process for an internship for next summer.

I am very excited tonight to be going to see a movie with Allison S. We are going to see twilight and I can't wait to spend some time with her! I really don't feel good at all (cause of dystonia), but I can't let that stop me tonight or I might go insane. I am so fed up with always doing nothing because it stops me, so I am going to go and have fun... period!

Forever Searching,
Zenaithful Girl

Going to forget the pain... by studying???

So the dystonia sucks right now. I am VERY limited to the activities I can do. For instance, I have a hard time going for a walk in my neighborhood, I have no movement of my right arm (except the hand and forarm), and it is just best if I am propped halfway lying down. The pool is nice because the water feels extremely good on my body. Lets just say that it is an extremely hard time for me. I am in limbo between a treatment that didn't work at all, and a new treatment. I am waiting to hear from my doctor, so he can tell me to come up and get botox injections.

Anyway, I am desperatly trying to find ways to occupy my mind away from the pain. This is difficult because I am so limited in my activities. I have found a couple though, reading novels, swimming, and studying. Now I know studying isn't considered fun but I can, if I am studying something I am really interested in, take my mind off the pain.

I will keep you updated on the way the dystonia is, and my mental status :) for a while because blogging is always nice when I don't feel well.

Forever searching,
Zenaithful Girl

Friends...

I went to toy story three last night with a bunch of highschool friends. I felt really out of place with all of them but one. I guess I shouldn't have expected more because by the end of highschool year they weren't really my friends, not close ones atleast. Atleast I had Allison S. there... she is a true friend to me. She is not really like me at all, but I love her. She was always and probably will always be there for me. I miss her sooooo much. I am going to try to reconect with her this summer. My college friends are great and I love them. I really wish that they were here this summer... I miss them. But if I make an effort I think that having Allison will be great.

My dad has really been trying lately. He calls me all the time to make sure that I am okay. I am really hoping that me opening up to him about dystonia and what I am going through will help our relationship. I am also facebook talking with Pete right now, which is ackward but good. I hope that we can reconnect too. My mom and I are still kind of tense. I just feel like she is so far away from me, even though she is right here. She doesn't want to hear about me, I mean really hear. So I am having to find other people to rely on, maby that is a good thing, but it is hard for me to feel like I am losing her.

Otherwise I am just waiting to go to mayo. I leave on tuesday morning and will be spending the rest of the week up there, and then probably going back the week after that. I cant wait to go, the dystonia has not been good, and I am ready to try something new to help it.



Forever Searching,
Zenaithful Girl

Wow... it has been such a long time since I wrote last. A lot has happened, so this first part is probably going to seem like a news report more than a blog.

First off, my dad is in Pennsylvania now. It feels like he has been gone longer than he has. He loves his job, and he loves Pennsylvania. I am glad that he is happy. It has been such a long time since he has had a job he really likes, and work means a lot to him. Pete moved home. He broke down, he was doing drugs, and drinking all of the time to the point where he couldn't remember what happened the night before. He is also struggling with depression. Anyway, he is supposed to be moving back to his house tomorrow. My mom is going to help him with rent, give him food for a month, and give him my bike so he can get around. Luke is officially going to Rocky Mountain College. Him and my mom leave for Montana early August. They are going up almost a week before Luke actually has to be to school so that they can go to Yellowstone. My dad will fly up there and meet them. I will be staying home for reasons I will discus later. My mom is a wreck. She has been really wrapped up with Pete being home, and dad being gone. She is constantly arguing with someone. Her only escape is bike riding, she is training for ragbri, and it going for a lot of long bike rides.

How have I been? Well, I'm hanging on to my sanity as best I can. Dystonia sucks! I wake up every day already in pain. I never want to get out of bed. I am working full time at the library. This is hard because I am sitting at a desk all day and all I really want to do is lie down and pass out. Being in pain all day is torturous, let alone work at a desk in the quite and have nothing else to think about except the pain, that is hell. I go back up to Mayo next week. I will be spending most of next week and the week after trying a new therapy. Honestly, I don't know what I am going to do if it doesn't improve. I am just to tired to keep fighting... Anyway, I am not going to Yellowstone, or to drop Luke off at college simply because the dystonia is to bad. I know that I wouldn't be able to make the car ride, let alone do anything once there. The hardest part about right now is I feel like I have no one to talk to. I have always talked to my mom, I have always shared the burden of dystonia with her, but right now their is no way she could take it. Every time I even try to talk about the pain, she changes the subject to Pete or Ragbri. I know that it isn't her fault, and I shouldn't be upset, but I am. I just want her to understand, but I know that she cant. She cant know that I fight with myself every morning to get out of bed, and when I do I am so stiff that it takes me a couple of tries just to get up. She can't know that every minute of work means that I have to struggle not to cry. She doesn't know that I am really contemplating letting the pain take over. I fight so hard against pain, and I am just to tired to keep fighting. I am at the end of my rope, but do I really have any choice what I do. I mean, its not like I can stop going to work, then I can't afford to do anything. Its not like I can drop out of school, because then I would have nothing. Its not like I can let myself go for just one day, because I know that I couldn't pick myself back up. So what choice do I have? If I chose to give up what happens to me then? I have no choice but to push through. I think if there was a reasonable out I would take it. I think that if there was some easy way for me just to get rid of all of my problems I would do it. But nothing is simple and nothing is fair... that's life. So I am running on no gas, I am pushing the last very little bit of me that's left to the end... God help me.